I’m Coming Home

The past week has been a strange merging of events. To start, last Sunday, Kobe Bryant, his 13-year-old daughter Gianna and seven others died in a helicopter crash. I’ve said what I wanted to say on that, so I won’t go down that rabbit hole again. 

However, as a lover of well-told stories, three of my favorite shows ended as well. The series finale of Arrow happened Monday, the series finale of The Good Place was on Thursday, and the series finale of BoJack Horseman was released on Friday. I watched them all in a 36-hour window. Compact the crying.

So this week was centered around one theme for me: loss. And it’s what catalyzed me to make the decision to move back to Louisville the day before I was going to start a job in Boise. 

Ultimately, I miscalculated what I was trying to do and how it would make me feel. I don’t have any shame about coming back to Louisville, and I won’t need a confidence boost. If anything, I feel more confident. I learned a lot about myself and now, should I try again down the road, I’ll know what to avoid and embrace.

I made mistakes in two regards. I shouldn’t have tried to move without a job or in my current vehicle. I underestimated the island I was putting myself on, knowing no one and having no job or other outlets to meet people. And my vehicle was too small to allow me space when I needed it. It wasn’t a failure, it was a learning experience.

I want to use this learning experience and better myself from it. Kobe’s passing reminded me of how short our time on this earth is. And those three shows ending reminded me of the importance of the connections we make in this life. I want to spend this time being a better friend, son, and sibling. I want to regain the focus I once had on bettering myself and being content with where I am. If there’s one major takeaway, it’s that where I live provides little to no impact on my happiness. 

I learned a lot about myself, honestly. I learned where my breaking points are and how much I am capable of. I matured and calmed myself a lot because immaturity and wild swings of emotion are quick ways to abandon things that get hard. And there is a difference between running from something and recognizing when a situation isn’t right. This situation wasn’t right, somewhat by my own doing, but also somewhat by things outside my control.

I think there are people more than capable of moving to a new place on their own and starting a new life. I’m not sure that I am one of those people, though.

So where do I go from here? I’ll get a job (or two), pay off my debt as quickly as possible, and go from there. I don’t think I’ll try to live in Boise again. I liked it, but I didn’t love it. There were things that it lacked that I really missed once I spent an extended period of time there. I want to be near water. I want to be around a diverse group of people. And I want to be around a group of people who are free thinkers, who question the status quo and challenge their own beliefs. Boise had none of those things by my evaluation. 

I spent years focused on figuring out where I wanted to live. Now, I just want to live. 

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