I’ve been absent for a while now. It was some combination of lack of spark, ideas, and general motivation. I’d like to pretend that I have developed the ability to push through these lapses in motivation, but I’m not there yet.
So, a little about my last few weeks. I went to a friends wedding in the middle of September. It was a blast, and it was fun catching up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a while. As much fun as I did have, it was also the beginning of my spiral. I had been pretty diligent with my running, meditating and being sober up till that point.
I haven’t run, or worked out in any capacity, since then. I haven’t meditated since then. And what started as a glass of wine at the rehearsal dinner turned into a three-week collapse on my sobriety.
I’ve talked before about my particular “brand” of alcoholism so I won’t rehash it completely now, but it’s not the one portrayed in the mainstream. I drink heavy, to forget, but am functioning in a normal capacity. It also affects my headspace and sleep in a negative way, which continues the negative tailspin.
To be very clear, I had a great time. I enjoyed the company of the people around me. The problem comes in when that’s all gone. When I’m back home, alone, with my thoughts. And to be honest, it’s my own fault. I haven’t put in the work to be able to withstand that carnal reaction when I’m in those settings. I caved way too easy at the rehearsal dinner and I need to be better.
Jump forward a month, at another wedding, and it felt like the wheels had come off for me. Those bad habits continued in my everyday life and I’ve gained weight, feel very lethargic and generally “bad” about myself. And while I was drinking there last night, it became clear to me that I didn’t need the alcohol to have fun. Which sounds like a simple revelation, but it was the source of my drinking in those social settings.
I’m generally less “fun” than some of my friends. It’s hard for me to loosen up, and alcohol has always been the grease on the wheel. But somewhere in the blur of dancing, music, bright lights and being around people that I care about, it became obvious that I could still have fun around those people. I’m not sure what the trigger was that flipped the switch in my head, but I’m certain it’s permanent.
“It’s true that…after 35, 40 things start to slow down and it’s harder to do the stuff that we did when we were younger. So does that mean you roll over and are like “Oh yeah, alright I’ll gain 40 or 50 lbs and lets Netflix and chill for another 30 years before I die, or do you push back? Do you turn and fight? Do you say “I’m not done being a human yet and having a full life. I’ve still got a ton of shit to do, man.” ~Mishka Shubaly
So, heading into this week, I want to redirect myself. Not only in the ways that I’ve fallen off but my whole life. Change only comes when the pain of the current situation reaches a breaking point. I’m tired of not putting the work in. I’m tired of feeling like I have more to give. But most of all, I’m tired of starting over, even if it’s never too late.